Here's the thing about time; it is not infinite. As such, sometimes things fall to the wayside. Like keeping up with the luminaries of modern popular music. When staying on top of the hits is not your top, or even a top 10, priority, you can find yourself left behind. This is to say that it has been a little while since I've written a Hit Parade, or listened to a Billboard Hot 100 number one song. I've missed "The Monster" by Eminem featuring Rihanna, "Timber" by Pitbull featuring Ke$ha, and "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry featuring Juicy J. Man, if you want to have a hit song, it better feature people.
You would think I'd start with the most recent, "Dark Horse," and then just pick things up from there. However, I already covered Perry once here, and while it is, perhaps, my duty as an American to do it again, I am not in the mood to do it right now. Instead, I will take one step back, and go with "Timber."
Yes, that means I am choosing to opt for a song featuring both Pitbull and Ke$ha. I have never heard a Pitbull song in its entirety, but the guy still manages to irk me. He is in some commercial for some product, I want to say Pepsi but the amount of a shit I give is infinitesimally small, and he makes some grating noise I can't stand. I am slightly more familiar with Ke$ha. I could not resist her siren song, "Tik Tok," because she was a human person with a dollar sign in her name, and her Wikipedia page claimed that she cites Dinosaur Jr. as an influence. That song is laughable. It amuses me in its ridiculousness. So, this song is being perpetrated by a toxic duo to me. Will I stand it? Will I survive?
Holy shit. I've made a huge mistake. I never should have let myself live long enough to hear this song. Does "Timber" qualify as the worst country song ever made? I say yes, if you consider it a country song. Now, if you haven't heard this song, that may sound strange to you. It sounds strange to me, and I just listened to this aural nightmare. There is a very weird, inexplicable country vibe running through this song. It is basically the modern "Cotton Eye Joe." This is the worst insult I can think of to give anything that ever happened. Frankly, it is an insult to Rednex to mention them alongside Pitbull and Ke$ha.
Why did these two want to create a vaguely country vibe? Neither of them have any history in the genre. I mean, at its heart, this is a dance pop song that steals country music trimmings for some stupid reason. Also, Pitbull says some bullshit about swinging your partner round and round. It's some square dance stuff, man. This song is so odd. And awful. I want to make sure you know how bad I think this song is.
The song is called "Timber" because "it" is going down, so Ke$ha is yelling timber. Yep. Also, "timber" is shouted out inexplicably during Pitbull's sort of rapping. Both of these people are poor at their chosen crafts. The lyrics are so dumb. Miley Cyrus is referenced. Ke$ha, simply put, can't sing. When she tries to do the "whoa" part, her voice simply cannot sustain the tone. I can't recall somebody sounding worse in a recent pop song. Her voice warbles, but not in an endearing or interesting way. She just sounds like garbage. Pitbull doesn't sound like Edith Piaf either, to be fair, but at least he stays in his lane.
I wish I had just gone with Perry and Juicy J. I can't imagine that song being worse than this. This may be the worst song I've heard in this project. At least in terms of how it sounds. Both Maroon 5 and Robin Thicke have thrown out lyrics just as shitty, and Thicke's song is problematic in a way the sheer stupidity of this song simply is not. Still, this song just sounds so bad. I mean, maybe you could dance to it, if that's what you want. I don't think it even works that well to that. Maybe you'll dance to anything, Dead Milkmen style. That's the only way you will get anything out of the flaming trashpile that is "Timber." The sound of a rusty chainsaw cutting down an actual tree would be less unpleasant.