Hit Parade: Robin Thick featuring T.I. and Pharrell - "Blurred Lines"

Just know the lyrics are horrendous and this song is terrible.
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I should, in theory, write about Robin Thicke. After all, his song "Blurred Lines" has wrested the number one song title from not one hit wonders Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. I didn't know much about him heading into listening to this song. I hadn't heard any of his work. I listen to MaxFun's International Waters podcast, for I am an erudite gentleman, and in doing so I heard tell of a music video of his that leads me to feel that he is, in the parlance of our times, a total douchebag. I also knew he is the son of Alan Thicke and, frankly, his father is a more interesting topic.

Alan Thicke is one of those celebrities who tends to amuse people as a reference. He's from a bygone era, he was famous enough to be notable, but his star has faded. The fact that this guy is the father of the man with the top song on the Billboard Hot 100 is sort of an odd factoid that is kind of interesting. However, Alan Thicke's career is notable in its own right. He was the dad on television's Growing Pains which is a show I did not watch regularly and of which I have no recollection. If I recall correctly, somebody had the nickname "Boner." We've lost our innocence as a nation. More than that, he was the head writer on cult classic Fernwood 2-Night, he had his own talk show in Canada and then one in America called Thicke of the Night. That's a ridiculous, sublime name for an Alan Thicke talk show. We should all strive for such beauty in our lives. Most interesting of all, he composed the theme song for Diff'rent Strokes and The Facts of Life, not to mention several game shows. Alan Thicke is a man for all seasons, but he's not the one with the number one song in the nation, so I digress.

I also probably ought to point out that this song features T.I., the rapper who reminds me of a graphing calculator, and Pharrell, who is a very good producer who sometimes decides he wants to appear on songs, which, you know, fair enough. I kind of want to listen to "Grindin'" now, but I won't I have a job to do. Time to get to "Blurred Lines."

Hey, this is the song with the music video that is a pile of garbage! And the song matches it perfectly! I feel like just calling this a flaming piece of shit and moving on. That only seems fair. However, while I owe nothing to Robin Thicke, I feel I owe you, the reader, further discussion of this awful song.

There are a couple of non-terrible things about this song, I guess. The beat is OK. It kind of has a tinny, retro sound. I don't enjoy it, but I can tolerate it, even if at times it sounds like it emanates from a cheap keyboard. Also, while I talked jive about Pharrell earlier, his falsetto on this song is actually the best part. It also works pretty well on Daft Punk's "Get Lucky." I wish I had just listened to that song, because everythng else about this song is garbage.

T.I. is basically a blip on this song. I don't know why he is here, other than to lend his name to the song and to pocket some cash. Thicke's vocals aren't any good. I wish I could pinpoint what they are like, because they seem to float in a netherworld betwixt actually singing and Rex Harrison style talk singing. The tone is really flat and banal, and he brings nothing to the table as a vocalist. As an unctuous creep, on the other hand, he brings plenty.

Look, I'm not really into sexy, sexy songs about sex to begin with. I'll grant the world that. However, there are plenty of sexual songs that are plenty enjoyable to me. I mean, I've listened to Prince and all. Also, Beck's weird quasi-ironic R&B album. I've heard "Sexxlaws!" The issue is how skeezy this song is, and how stupid to boot. Thicke just comes off as a straight up creep, it's that simple. More than that, he's a meathead creep, like he learned his seduction tactics from some bad 80s softcore porno. The song is about Thicke and some lady he is trying to get busy with, and also there is talk of trying to "domesticate" her and her being an animal, at which point a lady in the song says "meow" and then for a few minutes everything just got sort of hot and I saw a blinding white light. Later, he sings something like "What rhymes with hug?" or some bullshit like that. It isn't "fuck" that's for sure.

There are more awful lyrics, but I will not subject myself to listening to this song again to hear them to regurgitate them to you. Just know that they are horrendous, and this song is terrible. It is a song that was not only viscerally unpleasant to listen to, it along makes me dislike Robin Thicke and it makes me want to avoid him entirely. This is some garbage sort of R&B song about sex that is just ugly and scuzzy and, again, really, really dumb. I am disappointed this song is so popular, and I'm somebody who is usually cool with people liking stuff I don't like since, you know, people are entitled to their opinions. This song is just so shitty in quality and in ethos that I can't abide it in the slightest. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go listen to Swedish pixie Robyn, because there's somebody who actually has some talent beyond closely cropped facial hair.