I wish you could see the look on my face right now. I think it’s a cross between the look of someone who just saw their grandmother naked while smelling what I imagine Joan Rivers’ feet smell like. I think for all of us that witnessed, no- ENDURED tonight’s American Idol should either get a refund or at least an explanation.
I don’t even know where to start! Do I highlight the three decent, barely average auditions or spend all our time on the insane and delusional, not to mention highly underwhelming potential contestants? A little of both you say? Good idea!
As proof of the weirdness going on tonight, I found myself completely attracted to Steven Tyler for the first time in my LIFE. I mean like severely attracted to him. I’m more than a little concerned and disturbed by this. First audition of the night is Victoria Garrett and she says God brought her to American Idol, and that is her purpose in life. I wish she didn’t say that, because I feel a little mad at God for doing this to us. Steven cuts off her screechy, high-pitched version of “Lamb Of God” by saying, “let’s just vote and get this over with. You’re going to…..Siberia!” Is this the same man who admonished Randy last week for being too mean?
Tim Halperin is our next contestant; he’s 23 and loves JLo, tells her so then asks her age. “I’m young enough for you, don’t worry” she says. JLo is sassy tonight and I love it! He takes on “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5 and does a nice karaoke copy of it. Verdict: Randy no, Steven says yes but step it up a little and work on your voice, JLo says the voice is not strong but has a nice tone and that’s important for recording. He’s a dime a dozen won't last through Hollywood Week.
Tonight’s cute couple is Daniel Gomez and Isaac Rodriguez. They’re not an actual couple but they are totally BFF’s. First up is Daniel and he’s obviously tone-deaf and pretty bad. Randy says it’s not happening and “you’re young… good looking guy, find something else.” He takes it well and now its Isaac’s turn. I’m thinking he’ll kill it and the friend going first was kind of a joke. That’s what I get for thinking; Isaac was just as bad as his friend. He sings “Build Me Up Buttercup” and instantly I’m thinking of Fez from That '70s Show. When he finishes, JLo says “You have a nice smile!” Steven claimed he set his soul on fire and Randy says, “but, not in a good way.” Don’t worry about these two because they were oblivious to the cringing and all they heard was “you’re attractive.” I think they’ll be fine.
Next we have Karen Rodriguez; she sings Whitney Houston’s “You Give Good Love” and does a good job. She’s adorable in a Rosie Perez way and has a ton of personality. The judges love her, she gets three yeses. Tynisha Roches is next and as part of her tribute to Frank Sinatra, even has her own hat and microphone. She says “OW!” before and after almost everything she says and also loves to wink, or maybe it’s Tourette’s. She’s horrible and won’t take no for an answer. She continues to sing, even chasing Randy out of the room. Security comes for her and there is much rejoicing (at least in my living room there was).
Heidi Khzam is a belly dancer and no one appreciates this more than Steven and Randy. We actually see more of her dancing and Steven leering at her appreciatively than we do of her singing. Apparently it doesn’t matter that her version of Alicia Keys’ “Superwoman” was barely average, because the guys gushed about her greatness (much to JLo’s chagrin) and she got her golden ticket.
Now comes the James Brown-esque street performer from Arkansas, the large and in charge alleged CEO of a music company who only takes the bus because he’s being “green” and a young man singing “Pants On The Ground” as he drops his pants to the ground. Our saving graces walk through the doors in the form of brothers Mark and Aaron Gutierrez who are adorable, color coordinated, and do a really good “Lean On Me” as a duet. We don’t hear them separately which I think shows how desperate the judges were to say yes to someone, anyone. Nothing notable happens after this and I stare blankly at my TV for another 15 or so minutes, waiting for this to just be over.
Next week AI heads to the city by the bay: San Francisco, and by the looks of the previews, they more than make up for tonight’s disaster with some amazing voices that are worth the hour of our lives we lost tonight!