Judging American Idol: Consider This A Downpayment On A Future Ass-Chewing

If you think I'm over James Durbin being eliminated, you're not done thinking...
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American Idol

Hi kids, remember me? I’ll spare you the details of my absence and leave it with you’re just happy to see me, right? Good, thought so. Now that that’s settled we need to discuss a few things that we missed in our time apart.

Jacob Lusk has been eliminated- are we sad, happy, indifferent, or asking ourselves “Jacob Who?” Yeah, me too. Okay, we’ve given that all the attention it deserves.

Moving on to the performances of last Wednesday May 11th where the remaining four Idol contestants regaled us with songs of the Lieber and Stoller song writing duo and also songs that they deem inspiring.

James Durbin kicked off the show with “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey- and like Tony Soprano and DWTS’s Chris “Lionheart” Jericho before him.… it was the song ultimately that did him in.

Haley Reinhart did Michael Jackson’s “Earth Song” a major disservice just by singing it, and I’m using “singing” lightly because we all know she growled and over sang it into oblivion.

Scotty McCreery pandered to his core audience with Alan Jackson’s 9/11 tribute song “Where Were You” which was slightly offensive at best when AJ did it to begin with. It’s too basic and hokey to the point of almost making a joke of the events with its simplistic approach. It’s just not a good song.

Lauren Alaina stole the night with “Anyway” by Martina McBride. She looked wonderful, sang her face off, and had the confidence of a true professional.

The next performances were the songs of Lieber and Stoller (lyrical geniuses behind “Love Potion No. 9,” “Jailhouse Rock,” “Poison Ivy,” and countless others). James did “Love Potion no. 9”, Haley sang the hell out of “I Who have Nothing,” Lauren did “Trouble,” and what Scotty did to “Young Blood” is punishable in 49 states.

Moving right along to the following night’s results show, James Durbin was eliminated and I still haven’t calmed down. I’m feeling stabby, resentful, and it’s mostly (if not all) directed at the people of America who voted wrong. I’ll stop here with my review but directly after this I’m writing my “Angry Letter To The People Of America” because you have pissed me off for what is sure not to be the last time. But you can’t get away with this with not so much as a slap on the wrist. I have a verbal lashing for you that is long overdue.