Tan Mom Fries Your Eyes

Could this be the worst song ever? Is it even really a song?
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If you've noticed an increase in occurrences of hysterical blindness amongst your friends and family this week, it could be down to the release of the worst visual thing ever in the history of the universe - a music video from Patricia Krentcil, a.k.a Tan Mom. 

In the event you've wisely suppressed your Tan Mom memories, she's the woman who hit the news last year for sneaking her five-year-old daughter into a tanning booth.  You may recall her photos, in which she closely resembled mummified bacon, and her interviews which left no doubt she was probably baffled by pop-top soda cans and doorbells on a regular basis. 

And so, this living Ötzi returns with a desperate attempt to bring her wizened face back to the attention of the repulsed masses:  an inane 'song' trumped in its ridiculousness by a video so awful, it made my eyeballs eject themselves from their sockets and roll into traffic.  Krentcil appears to be pretty inebriated during her 'performance' and I can't say I blame her.  It took me three beers just to be able to watch it to the end. 

I'd love to walk you through the themes and ideas of the song and its video, but I'm afraid they don't exist.  Like a Faustian nightmare, horrifying visions of Krentcil in a various states of undress flicker past unrelated to anything except bad judgment and mental illness: leopard print, robot dancing, bikinis, a blonde wig that makes Amanda Bynes look like a woman with her shit together.  By the time Krentcil sings "I'll give you a treat to see my goodies brown" while squirting white globs of sunscreen (oh, please let it be sunscreen) on her woefully under-supported breasts, it's time for a vomit break.

And even if you haven't given up by then, Tan Mom has, eventually not even bothering to lip-synch anything remotely resembling the 'lyrics'.  What I suspect is meant to be an angry rap, but which sounds more like the crazy ramblings of the man who picks through my trash every Thursday, is handled by a bemused male dancer, while Krentcil hangs off him like a moth-eaten, rural pole-dancer. 

So if you made it to the end of the video, congratulations and enjoy your subsequent therapy sessions.  Rumor has it Tan Mom's next project is an appearance in gay porn, at which point this debacle becomes the second worst thing ever committed to film.